Podcast: Play in new window | Download
My emotional control isn’t doing well right now. Do you ever have that feeling when your emotions run away from you for the stupidest reasons?
This last week has been a roller coaster for me!
I’m looking at a new job in a new industry and really excited about it. When anything happens that is unexpected it makes my anxiety kick in.
Nothing more unnerving than the unknown.
I’m trying to cope. After 40 years of working on it as a man, and 10 years in the Marine Corps, where I was trained to control my emotions, I still have issues. Is emotional control a life long process?
I think learning to have control over your emotions is a life long process. Some of us are better at it than others. I feel like I’ve been better at it in the past.
Emotional Control comes down to three things:
- Recognizing your emotions are there
- Taking a breath
- Making your tone and body language appear the way you want to feel
Or you can break that down to only 2 steps if you want to; see it coming, then fake it until you make it.
Recognizing Your Emotions
Yes, we all have them. Yes, they get away from us. Yes, we can hurt people’s feelings. Yes, you can do things you don’t want to do when your emotions come up without you recognizing them.
Step one is recognizing your emotions are there, are coming, or are overflowing.
I know, you are an analytical person. To quote Zig Ziglar, “In a pigs eye!” Have you ever gotten excited at a movie? Cried over anything? Been sad? Been happy? Been in love? Or even had a good time?
Of course, you have done at least a couple of those things. So you aren’t completely analytical. You do have some emotions. I just want to control those emotions so they don’t come overflowing out at the wrong time to the wrong person.
My problem is my emotions are not always happy and loving like I would like them to be. I’ll bet you have problems with anger and sadness too!
I’ve had the depression monster after me in the past and that sucks more than any other emotion I’ve ever had.
You have to just accept when something happens, good, bad, or indifferent in your life, you will have an emotional reaction to it. Your feelings are there, are coming, or are overflowing about whatever happened.
My problem is the emotions come and then I push them at other people. My favorite emotions seem to be anger and contempt. I say they are my favorites because they are the ones that come up the most. And both cause me to say and do things I don’t want to.
So recognize that the feelings are there or coming. You can’t get around it. You are a human being.
Take a Breath
In the nose, out the mouth. In and out. Easy.
Step two, take a breath before acting, responding, or moving.
If you can stop yourself from immediately saying or doing what comes to mind, you can stop a lot of problems in your life.
Do you know anyone without a mind-mouth filter? Are they a lot of fun to be around? How about when that filter gets turned off when talking about you?
We all want honesty with a big side of compassion. When I speak without taking a breath and considering my emotions, horrible things come out of my mouth in a way that makes people feel belittled.
While belittling someone was an art form in high school, once you are out of college it is a horrible way to make friends, succeed in business, or just be. Because no one will want to be with you if you are always talking down to them.
Take a breath. It gives you a second to make sure you say and do what you really want to do.
Make Your Body Language and Tone Reflect the Way You Want to Feel
Yes, fake it until you make it.
I’m trying to teach my kid this right now. He says something scornfully out of the side of his mouth like he is biting off a horrible statement. When I say you look mad, he says no I’m not. I’m always telling him, well then let your voice and face know that you aren’t mad.
It doesn’t matter what you really feel inside. People will notice how your body language and tone of voice are and assume that is your emotions.
If you really want emotional control, you fake it until you make it.
After you recognize that you have emotions, and take a breath, you can formulate how you want to be about a situation.
And sometimes anger, disappointment, shame, and sadness are sometimes the right emotions to display.
My mother recently passed away. When anything truly bad happens in my life, I push it aside and find other things to fill my time and mind so I don’t have to get angry or have sadness overwhelm me. A lot of my family thought I didn’t care that my mother died. Of course, I did but my tone and body language didn’t really display it.
Most people don’t have a problem with displaying sadness and anger. My anger runs away with me all the time and comes out in a horrible tone towards my kid and wife. The worst people I could reflect anger at are them, and I let it fly all the time. I’m working on it.
I’m trying to fake it until I make it with my emotional control. I don’t want to show my family I’m angry when it doesn’t have anything to do with them. I know you are the same way.
Emotional Control
I am working constantly trying to control my emotions. Times like this my emotions seem to come at me at the cyclic rate (a military term meaning as fast as a machine gun can possibly fire).
Right now I know you are dealing with some of the problems I am; Covid-19, money problems, missing friends and family, being isolated, and a bunch of other things everyone is dealing with around the year 2020.
Added to that for me are the ups and down with trying to get a new job. I’ll find something that seems awesome, just like I have right now, and then be worried about getting the job. I have another meeting tomorrow with the owner and his wife to discuss what the position might look like and how pay might be structured. This job is hitting a little above my weight class. I know I have the skills and can do it, just the pay and responsibility seem to be one step higher then what is on my resume and I have a little imposter syndrome going. I’m afraid the owner is going to see that and not want me.
All of that is stupid but is all there. As I get excited about the position, the highs get higher, and the lows get lower. And they come faster for me. So I’m working to control my emotions.
What step do you think is missing? Do you think there should be one more? Or something different?
Ben Branam
Leave a comment and let everyone know so we can learn from each other.